Sasuke Needs A Wife AKA Sasuke's 'Genius' Bad Idea
by reader713
Summary: Sasuke returns to Konoha in search of a wife. Luckily his old fangirls Ino, Karin and Sakura are in town. Unluckily for Sasuke he is unaware of the fact that: "people move on". Such as his fangirls (who have boyfriends). No one is happy to see him, especially when he chooses to hit on girls who are in relationships. Good luck in finding a wife Sasuke! You'll need it! Please review!


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO!

Author's Note: I hope you enjoy the story! Please leave a review because it kinda depresses me when my stories have favorites but no reviews. And also, when I don't get any reviews for my stories I lose interest in writing/posting fics.

Anyways, please enjoy!

Sasuke Uchiha was rather smug as the Konoha councilors entered into a 'private' discussion among themselves.

He had killed his brother a couple months ago and after wandering around for two months it had occurred to him that with half of his goal accomplished he now needed to complete the other half: restore his clan. Naturally he could have restored his clan anywhere, but he decided upon Konoha. For one, the Uchiha Estate was there and since they were so weak they would be eager for him to come back. After all, it wasn't like Naruto and the rest had tried to kill him the last time they met, instead Naruto had just yelled for him to come back. And he'd heard that Karin, Suigetsu and Juugo had gone there after he'd been 'forced' to leave them behind because they slowed him down about a year ago.

That was convenient; Karin, Ino and Sakura were his three biggest fan girls.

Yes, he smirked smugly as the councilors turned to face him, clearly having made a decision. This would be extremely easy. He'd have his first child before this date next year.

Sasuke drew up a list of the acceptable eligible kunoichis in Konoha (that he knew of): Sakura, Karin, Ino, Hinata, Tenten (Hyuuga Neji and Rock Lee's teammate), and Hanabi Hyuuga (he'd heard about the younger daughter, seems that she was a gifted kunoichi and budding medic).

He went over the list to select the best kunoichi. Sakura was immediately crossed off and reduced to alternate. She had been weak and he highly doubted that she had gotten stronger. Yeah he had heard that she was a medic, but Karin had also been one so it was obvious that standards were low. That left him with Tenten, Ino, and Hinata. Ino, and Hinata were weak (Hinata was also a mute while Ino, Sakura and Karin were loud mouths), but Ino and Hinata were also from Clans. Tenten wasn't from a Clan but she was also a little older than him…

He decided on Tenten. Since she wasn't from a Clan she wouldn't have a family Bloodline he'd have to worry about. Besides, she had been stronger than Ino, Hinata and Sakura at the Chuunin Exams.

Rather smug, he went to go inform her of his decision. If he moved fast, they could get married today.

He was curious as to why she was living with her genin teammates Neji Hyuuga and Rock Lee, but decided that it must have been a Konoha thing since he heard that the old Team 10 was also living together.

Smug over how well things were going (the clerk that he'd asked for the kunoichi's address had appeared rather surprised but then given him the information he requested). This would be over quickly.

He would have been rather startled to learn that the clerk, as soon as he left, raced away to inform everyone she knew of what had just happened…and then raced to the hospital to reserve a bed for the last Uchiha.

She then raced over to the specified apartment (just outside the Hyuuga Clan Compound) to watch the show.

Sasuke was unprepared for Hyuuga to answer the door. The two men glared at each other before Sasuke (sullenly) stated his desire to speak to Tenten.

The kunoichi came out of one of the bedrooms and looked at the Hyuuga, something passed between them and then she turned to face Sasuke. He asked to speak to her in private and she agreed, showing him into her room.

He took note of the rather masculine clothes, and then decided that they were obviously hers. However, it could be noted that for a shinobi he wasn't very good at taking in information from his environment, for example he didn't notice that the bed was queen-sized, nor that bed stand on each side of the bed had books on different subjects…nor the fact that there were two dressers or two different sizes of sandals/shoes.

Kakashi would have been terribly disappointed.

After he finished laughing his ass off, of course.

So, understandably, Sasuke was unprepared for Tenten's reaction to the proposal (which was more along the lines of announcing that they were getting married that evening and he expected her to be pregnant by next week).

Tenten reacted rather calmly, actually…if by 'calmly' one meant going over to her 'secret' stash of weapons that she kept in case an enemy shinobi (or one of Neji's fangirls) succeeded in sneaking into her room.

The battle went as one would expect. Especially if taken into account was that one was an A-class missing nin despite being ranked as a genin when he defected while the other was still seen as on the level of genin (which was her rank when he'd last seen her fight) and was currently a jounin who had just been pretty much propositioned in the apartment she shared with her boyfriend while said boyfriend was just outside the room they both shared.

The battle was brutal and completely one-sided, ending with Sasuke in need of immediate medical attention and Tenten completely unharmed apart from a slightly mussed hairdo. It was the sort off battle that would have caused Gai to burst into tears at the 'youthfulness' of his 'most beautiful female student' and Kakashi to shake his head gravely and reiterate both the importance of looking underneath the underneath and that this was yet another example of why women were the more dangerous gender of the species. It was also the sort of battle that would cause Hiashi to inform Neji that he approved of his nephew's choice of girlfriend and that he had no problem welcoming her into the Hyuuga Clan.

It was also the sort of battle that Tenten's boyfriend watched rather smugly from the other side of the door, Byakugan activated as he chomped his way through the bowl of just popped popcorn. He had never been prouder of his girlfriend since she went berserk when battling against that no-name shinobi from Iwa who had foolishly believed that Tenten was only Neji's mistress since Tenten wasn't from a Clan.

He inwardly resolved to put that ring he'd been hiding in his sock drawer to use earlier than he had initially planned.

As it was, Lee came back to find an unconscious and bleeding Sasuke on the floor of the living room, having decided to check to see why his ex-teammates were late to their reunion dinner with Gai. Being the good-hearted soul he was, Lee dragged Sasuke to the hospital and cheerfully informed the stunned staff that Sasuke must have fallen victim to Tenten and Neji's security system. The staff was rather horrified, in part because they believed that Sasuke's wounds were due to a furious Neji attacking him for making a move on Tenten, but then realized that all the injuries were caused by weapons and so Neji had not been involved (apart from egging on his girlfriend). So they gave Sasuke minimal care and then placed him in a room with a large window , but after he wasn't assassinated after a week they healed him fully.

When he achieved consciousness, the first thing Sasuke did was shakily take out the list of potential wives from his pocket and firmly draw a line through Tenten's name. Clearly the woman was insane if she reacted to a proposal with an attempted assassination. She should be honored to be Sasuke's choice of bride. Clearly the kunoichi that were not fangirls were equally mentally unbalanced in some way.

Now, who was his next selection…

Sasuke was unaware, but when he was inspected for wounds, the hospital staff found his 'Potential Bride List' and inspected it closely. They proceeded to make bets on who he'd pick next as well as his possible future day of death.

Hinata Hyuuga would be a good choice. Yes she was pretty much a coward and a mute, but at least he knew she wouldn't go berserk like Tenten had.

Those who had bet on him targeting Hinata next were rather gleeful. Sasuke was about to face a rather overprotective father, an overprotective older cousin (and possibly an overprotective future-cousin-in-law, aka Tenten), an obsessed younger sister, two overprotective ex-teammates and her rather terrifying when not cheerful boyfriend.

Immediately after he checked out, the nurses reserved a room for Sasuke.

He was hot, but it was too bad that he was really dumb. Sasuke should really learn that not everything remained the same.

Sasuke heard a few rumors that Hinata was dating someone who was described as 'good-natured, kind and cheerful', oh and blond. Sasuke sneered at the idea Naruto had finally caught on to the fact that Hinata was in love with him and spent a few hours spying on them eating ramen together. No, as far as he could tell the two were not dating. He decided to make his move, and completely overlooked how Ino Yamanaka was shopping for lingerie with Hinata, the two must have gotten closer after the chuunin exams.

He completely overlooks the fact that after their shopping Hinata tagged along when Ino went out to lunch with Ino's ex-teammates.

If he weren't gleefully making his own bets Kakashi would have been despairing over Sasuke's lack of ability to observe his surroundings.

So Sasuke, feelings rather confident in his 'observations' decided to approach Hinata and inform her of their upcoming nuptials.

Two things to inform you about: 1) Sasuke still doesn't understand girls and 2) Hinata is not dating Naruto but the _other_ cheerful/kind/good-natured blond.

Naturally, Hinata was not 'honored' with being selected as Sasuke's brood mare and also reacted 'violently' to put it politely (though Sasuke used 'berserk'). Hinata literally flew at him and proceeded to take him down in under five minutes using taijutsu and making him incapable of using chakra due to her family's style. Then, while Sasuke was laying twitching on the ground her boyfriend arrived.

All six foot plus of pure muscle of Chouji Akimichi (the _other_ cheerful/kind/good-natured blond of Konoha). He looked between the twitching Sasuke Uchiha on the floor and the still enraged Hinata just waiting for another chance to beat him bloody and remembered the rumors he'd heard.

Sasuke woke up feeling like someone had tried to turn him into a pancake.

Hinata Hyuuga was immediately taken off the list.

He'd heard rumors that her father was passing her up as Clan Heir anyway, so clearly she was useless. He had wanted to avoid his three ex-fangirls (Ino, Sakura and Karin) but they were the only ones left on the List after wrote off the Hyuuga Clan, having no desire whatsoever to have anything to do with that family. His children would marry into a different Clan he decided.

After all, Ino was from a rather well-known Clan, it would only help the future Uchihas. And her family was closely allied with the Akimichis and the Naras, only making it all the easier for the Uchihas to regain their rightful (superior) position in Konoha.

Now, Sasuke should have realized something, having been granted a club by the fact that Hinata was dating the _other_ kind/good-natured/cheerful blond shinobi of Konoha. People move on. Hinata was an example, she was no longer in love with Naruto and was dating Chouji (they were even discussing marriage). Naruto was another example, no longer in love with Sakura (of course, that was because he saw her punch a guy who groped her so hard he flew over the Forest of Death, that actually managed to kill a lot of males' interest in her) and instead loudly proclaimed that he saw Sakura as the sister he never had (whereupon he'd usually add words like 'sexless' to make his point of no longer being interested in her romantically which would end up with him face-down on the ground in the middle of a crater).

Anyways, to reiterate: people move on. Namely, girls do.

Sasuke came to Konoha firmly of the belief that: 1) Hinata was still in love with Naruto and 2) Ino, Karin and Sakura were still hopelessly in love with him.

The fool.

Anyways, Tenten and Hinata had actually gotten together, a practice they had started since Tenten and Neji first started dating and because they would one day be cousins-in-law (Neji hadn't yet proposed yet, but it was just a matter of time, it was difficult to hide anything from the Byakugan, such as a ring). The two had discussed the Sasuke issue and, due to being both offended by and annoyed at him they decided that his 'mission' would not be mentioned at the upcoming girls' night that the girls of the Konoha Eleven were going to be holding. Neither would they slip a word to Karin.

They merely smirked evilly, really evilly, the guy at the next table who caught sight of their expressions had nightmares for weeks.

They clinked glasses and drank deeply, calmly paid their bill and then raced off to place their bets over who would be the one to kill Sasuke Uchiha.

Now Sasuke, when he came to visit the Yamanaka Flower Shop and found Shikamaru lounging in a corner, decided to overlook it.

Shikamaru, actually paying attention and not napping despite what Ino and Sasuke believed, noted how Sasuke asked to speak to Ino privately and slunk after them; he had noticed Chouji's new reaction of reacting to Sasuke's name with annoyance and outright anger and suspected something had come up.

So, as it was, he heard Sasuke propose to Ino (giving her some bull line that he knew she had been waiting for him). Shikamaru then listened to Sasuke beat himself up for ten minutes courtesy of Ino's family bloodline. Rather proud of her, Shikamaru settled back to listen, ignoring how Inoichi had his ear plastered to the door, clearly pleased with what his baby girl was doing.

After Ino was done, Shikamaru 'escorted' Sasuke outside and hunted down Chouji. Chouji, who had already agreed to serve as bestman at Ino and Shikamaru's future wedding (he agreed two years ago) gleefully agreed to Shikamaru's offer/request.

Shikamaru held Sasuke in place using his family bloodline and then Chouji, using his family bloodline jutsu, fell onto Sasuke a few times.

After trying and failing to turn Sasuke into a pancake they dropped him off at the hospital and went to meet Hinata and Ino (their girlfriends) at the Yamanaka Flower Shop to pick up the girls for their double date.

Sasuke, remembering what Ino had forced him to do to his body (but not what happened after he'd achieved unconsciousness), slowly took out his List and drew a few lines through Ino's name.

Clearly blonds were insane. He was now left with his last two options: Karin and Sakura.

He decided on Karin. She had been loyal to him after all, and her sensing ability would be useful if it were passed down.

That night Ino joined Tenten and Hinata as they cursed Sasuke's name and made voodoo dolls. They then laughed evilly. Upon learning that Karin was the next 'potential bride' Ino smiled evilly and decided that, after Sasuke failed (as he would) she would send out a very special letter.

Tenten and Hinata, sensing the evilness of her plan cackled along with her. Inoichi, who was listening since the three girls were at the Yamanaka Family house wondered where he had gone wrong in raising Ino. Shikaku and Chouza, well on their way to being drunk, gave him disbelieving stares and told him that Ino had just learned from his example, Inoichi was evil after all…he really should hand over that bottle of sake if he wasn't planning on drinking it.

The three males got drunk, doing their best to ignore the evil laughter coming from Ino's room.

Sasuke didn't bother to think about how he was going to propose to Karin. He didn't bother to ask for privacy anyway, Suigetsu and Juugo were still loyal to him (he was sure).

Sasuke, of course, had no idea that Karin, Sakura and Ino regularly got together for 'torture Sasuke voodoo doll' parties and that Suigetsu and Juugo often joined in. It was a great bonding activity and it was what had led to the trio being accepted so quickly into Konoha.

Anyways, so Sasuke proposed to Karin, completely ignoring the two males.

To both Karin and Suigetsu's surprise, the one to react first was Juugo.

If you're wondering, no, Juugo is not dating Karin, Suigetsu is. Juugo's only been planning their wedding since the two started dating and he realized that due to a lack of anyone else he is their most likely pick for bestman and to give away the bride. Juugo has been looking forward to that moment even more than if it were his own wedding. He's literally been dreaming about it (both Suigetsu and Karin decided to let Juugo plan the wedding since he's already started arranging it) and the idea of it not happening displeases him.

He goes berserk on Sasuke. Karin and Suigetsu stare in rather stunned silence and Suigetsu finally sheathes his sword before he goes to sit next to Karin. They eat popcorn.

When Juugo's finished he's informed that he's the godfather of their future children. When he opens his mouth to reply (and accept, of course he'd accept), they cut him off and inform him that he has no choice, he's going to be godfather, he can't refuse.

Juugo bursts into tears.

They decide to treat Juugo to lunch and leave Sasuke behind on the floor.

Ino, smiling evilly, wrote the very important letter. Around her, Tenten, Hinata and Karin were also smiling gleefully. Juugo and Suigetsu, who had been invited to attend due to hating Sasuke as much as Karin were a bit freaked out. Truth be told, they were a bit scared by the intense blood lust.

Sasuke firmly crossed out Karin's name. He'd always known she was insane. He'd accused her of sleeping with Juugo and she'd gone ballistic, screaming that she was sleeping with _Suigetsu_!

He had no desire whatsoever to learn about her love life.

But that's alright. He had a girl who was surely in love with him, had waited faithfully for him since she was twelve, had confessed her love and asked to come along and join him in the life of a missing-nin.

He smirked, Sakura would do nicely. If needed, he could always find someone else to raise his children, or just raise them by himself. Or maybe he'll not marry her and just get her pregnant, she wasn't entirely worthy of becoming an Uchiha after all.

He tried not to think about the fact that Sakura was his last option.

Most people overlooked Udon, but few knew that he was extremely loyal (he had to be since he constantly followed Konohomaru into trouble). Anyways, he had ended up becoming Sakura's apprentice by accident due to the discovery of his knack for medical jutsus when he was looking for something to do due to Konohomaru and Moegi's budding romantic relationship. Upon learning of his gift Tsunade had immediately handed him over to Sakura and later did the same to Hanabi Hyuuga when she also came looking for medical jutsu training more advanced than what her sister Hinata could provide (it was initially a 'sister bonding' activity that turned into training due to Hanabi's talent for medical jutsus).

Anyways, since Konohomaru, Moegi and Udon were Naruto's willing slaves/followers/minions, it made sense that they were also loyal to Sakura (in part because Naruto had asked them to spy, ahem, keep an eye on her while he was gone, which they had agreed to).

So, Udon had ended up eavesdropping on Sasuke along with Hanabi since they had both noticed him make his way through the kunoichi in Sakura's age group.

Hanabi had been offended by his propositioning both her older sister and her future cousin-in-law so had been making adjustments to his medications as well as adding laxatives to his food. Udon had helped and later on when asked they would name the time when they plotted on making Sasuke's stay at the hospital as uncomfortable as possible for when they started to date (certainly Konohomaru thought so when he threw them a party celebrating their third month anniversary of their new relationship three months after the first time they went to lunch together to plot).

Anyways, they heard Sasuke's plans concerning Sakura and focused on the fact that he was perfectly willing for Sakura to live a life of sin (due to her having illegitimate children).

They went and informed Tsunade who ended up having to replace the Hokage desk again…and then they went off and sent off their own 'very important' letter.

They then went back to Sasuke and adjusted his pain medication again.

He deserved it.

For some reason, Sakura feels like someone is watching her. Sasuke is completely oblivious.

Sakura would be rather horrified to learn that there are people watching her, a whole lot of them. There's a lot of money riding on her reaction after all.

Sakura is actually stunned silent when Sasuke announces that she's been selected to bear his future children, shall they now go to bed and begin the process of getting said children.

Now, what few know (mainly Ino, Hinata and Tenten from their giggly girl nights, and Tsunade since she'd sat down a very embarrassed Sakura to discuss birth control), Sakura wants a white wedding. She's dreamed of wearing a fancy white wedding dress and of her husband being her first and her only love. She rather failed in the 'first' part (since Sasuke was her first love/crush), but she always wanted to give her husband her virginity. Of her three friends, Hinata is the one who understands the best, possibly because she and Chouji are both too embarrassed to discuss sex prior to marriage. Tenten is totally fine with premarital sex except Neji refuses to dishonor her in that matter (Tenten bragged about that, and stated firmly if rather drunkenly that that was why she continued to date him despite him sometimes acting as if he had a stick up his ass, because he treated her with respect and was an honorable man, she then threw up on his shoes and the words he said were not honorable or respectful but that's alright because she passed out and had no recollection of the night after her third drink). Ino, Sakura knows, lost her virginity a while ago, but it was too Shikamaru and it involved her getting the lazy genius completely wasted before she seduced him (Sakura's rather suspicious that Shikamaru was not in fact 'wasted' since he didn't have a hangover the next day and looked rather smug but she didn't mention her suspicions).

Anyways, Sakura wanted a white wedding and to lose her virginity on her wedding night. The blind dates Ino set her up with who didn't get that Sakura wasn't interested in sex always got to enjoy a short trip to the hospital via the shortcut of Sakura's fists.

That isn't important though. What is important is that Sakura has no desire whatsoever to have premarital sex, never mind children without a wedding ring and she actually has a boyfriend who understands her feelings and is completely fine with it.

So when Sasuke made his announcement she completely forgot that he was her 'beloved' ex-teammate who Naruto had spent years trying to get him to return, instead she reacted the same way she did with any other guy trying to get into her underwear.

Sasuke traveled through at least three walls before he crashed right in front of the front desk of the Konoha hospital. The receptionist didn't even bat an eyelid and called for a nurse to take him to his room.

Kakashi, having been among the audience of Sasuke 'proposing' to Sakura arrived pretty quickly and, upon seeing Sasuke, often to restart his heart (despite Sasuke's heart being perfectly fine if in danger of being pierced by his broken ribs) and promptly Chidori'd him.

Sasuke woke up a week later feeling like every bone in his boy had been broken twice (it had been three times, but he was as full of pain killers as possible without him getting addicted so he couldn't tell the difference).

He took out his list and crossed off Sakura's name.

Clearly all the kunoichi of Konoha were insane. None of them were worthy of becoming the mother of his future children.

He immediately requested a mission that would send him outside of Konoha. He planned for the mother of his future children to be a kunoichi, but he refused to allow her to be from Konoha so he'd have to search elsewhere.

Fortunately, he was immediately assigned to a three month mission to Kumo with the possibility of it lasting longer. That might be favorable, most Kumo nins had an affinity for lightning release jutsus and he could teach his children the Chidori.

So pleased by his musings he was completely oblivious to Tsunade's evil smile, as was he completely unaware that in Kumo the hospital was preparing a bed with Sasuke's name on it.

Unknown to Sasuke, Sakura was highly respected in Kumo. She was in a relationship with one of the Raikage's advisors after all, they'd bonded over their knowledge of medical jutsus (in case you're wondering, he's Sakura's understanding boyfriend who doesn't mind her request of no premarital sex and had actually already decided on marrying her even before she informed him that was the only way he'd succeed in getting her to sleep with him).

The mission ended up lasting nine months, and Sasuke spent almost a month outside of his bed in the hospital. When he returned from Kumo he shaved his head bald and became a monk.

Clearly the Uchiha Clan would not be continuing.


End file.
